just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
