We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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