Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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