I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i drank out of a bidet.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
