Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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