She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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