Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
