And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
