Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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