I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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