allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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