I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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