guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
