here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
