Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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