I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this beer tastes like vomit already
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize