Already got asked if we're dating
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
