We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
