I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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