I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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