he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
