Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
