you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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