the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
