mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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