I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I want her autograph on my taint
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
