I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
