today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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