my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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