so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize