Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
