Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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