Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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