the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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