even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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