An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
