You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
