my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
