You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
