As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
