I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
