batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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