So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize