I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
