i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
