Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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