The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
