I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
