My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
