i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize