Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
