see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
