yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
