apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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