you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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